Bethany and I made a great find today at a local used book store.
As you can see, not just the one! But book two as well. I was so excited I know a smile split my face wide. Tonight before her bedtime, Bethany and I sat together and began reading the first pages of Jesus Freak. When I came upon this by Michael Tate, he verbalized what I have been unable to do for days, even weeks as I’ve thought about my relationship with God and where I want to be—as a Daughter of Zion, a wife, and a mother.
Our mission may not involve hanging on the cross, being jailed, or being burned at the stake here in America, but we have other, more invisible obstacles. Ours is a society built by pride, materialism, and dedication to the status quo. In a world built on free will instead of God’s will, we must be the Freaks. While we may not be called to martyr our lives, we must martyr our way of life. We must put our selfish ways to death and march to a different beat. Then the world will see Jesus. Jesus Freaks
Right now my world must become my daughter. For the last year, Bethany has struggled with some issues—some that are your normal pre-teen things, and some can only be looked at as spiritual attacks from the enemy.
As I’ve muddled my way through, I feel as if I’ve failed some massively fundamental things in her years, and the biggest thing is her spirituality. Our society bombards our kids with the need for worldly things, whispering lies, enticing with half-truths and sugar-coating deception.
As parents, we’ve fallen into his trap and our kids our following in our footsteps. Too often I see our youth slipping into destructive behavior, and sure, right now it seems harmless. A little lie here, some ungodly disrespectful music there—immodest dress, loyalties that lie in a young crush instead of a heart waiting to keep itself from being broken over and over.
My daughter has been sheltered from many things, and I take the stance that I will guard her innocence and purity until God, and He alone, tells me otherwise. Yes, I know there are things she must know to live in this world, there are things she will see, but I choose to stand on the word that she is not of this world.
As I’ve watched my DD struggle these last months as she’s tried to find herself in an ever-changing and aging world around her, I’ve noticed how much more she actually needs me. I’m learning to let many of the mother-strings loose but there are different ones that need more guidance as she begins to take over the reins.
As I’ve contemplated what this looks like, I’ve come to the realization that I have no clue how to be a mother. I flounder and flail about every day just hoping I can get one minute right with her… maybe one sentence, one situation. There are days I do.
However, there are many days I fail, and this is where grace meets me.
And forgiveness.
Her forgiving me. And me forgiving myself.
Even with my many bumbling failings, I soak in Bethany’s love. In her laughter. In her hugs. She is one, even at 12 years old and 5’9” who still loves to hug her mother and cuddle on the couch together. I pray those days never end. These are sweet and precious times we share, and in them, together we, as mother and daughter, grow.
It’s my prayer that as we grow in these roles, that we will grow in our experiences and relationships with God.
After all, He is the ultimate parental figure. He has done all things to make it possible for His children to live and grow and thrive. He didn’t promise the living would be easy, but He promised to be there in the day to day.
As we’ve come to some decisions in our house lately, this blog has been a major focus that’s gripped my heart and mind over and over. Although I have many plans and I know the Father has a purpose for it, it must be put aside for a season. Right now, it won’t be any great loss to anyone, but to my heart, I will miss the outlet for my thoughts, feelings and ideas.
Although, there is always my handy-dandy notebook; the pages of which are waiting to be filled as God, Bethany and I take this journey.
For the next three months, I am devoting myself to serious face-time and knee-time with the Father, as well as being whatever my daughter needs from me right now. We are moving into an unknown chapter—Charter school? Or homeschool? Bethany has been at the same private Christian school(it changed buildings and leadership once) since she was in K4. The only time she was not, was to homeschool in 3rd grade.
Lift us up in prayers as we step out and take these uncertain steps. We may not know where we are going, but we know we are not alone.
Blessings!!!
